I’m back on the roller-coaster. Or rather, I never got off the roller-coaster and right now I’m cranking back up to the top.
I felt it coming, as usual. Over the last week I’ve had groggy morning brain which evaporates in the shower and leaves me with LOADS OF FUCKING ENERGY. Today and yesterday I’ve barely slept – or rather, I’ve slept for the usual amount of time except for the second 4 hours I sleep lightly, waking frequently, drifting in and out of trippy dreams.
And there’s the anxiety. That’s the other clue.
Skin crawling, brain itching, restless body anxiety. Tick tick tick tick….can’t sit still, can’t rest, can’t focus, can’t calm down. This is shaping up to be a period of unpleasant mania. It was perhaps inevitable because my last couple of hypomanic periods have been relatively mild and largely positive.
Last night I mentally composed an entry for here about dealing with anxiety; dealing with the oncoming wave of hypomania. I was going to recommend my two preferred activities; sewing and swimming. The former is repetitive, time consuming, and mind-numbing, the latter burns off loads of nervous energy in a really productive way that is energising in a ‘natural’ way rather than a hypomanic way. Today I’ve been sewing for 5 hours, went swimming for an hour this morning, and I’ve cleaned the flat top to bottom. Unfortunately like almost all of my ‘coping’ strategies, when I get to the extreme end of high and low, they just don’t cut it.
I’m a little angry with myself this evening; hypomanic confidence has assured me that I didn’t need to work on a piece of work which is due on Tuesday. I’m battling my brain over this even now; the little voice of rationalism is saying: “but it really would have been good to spend just an hour on it to assess how much additional work is needed tomorrow” whilst the booming voice of hypomania confidently shouts it down: “if we get in at 10am tomorrow that’s an hour to work on it before 11am meeting. 12-1pm planning Tuesday’s seminar and then the rest of the afternoon to work on Tuesday’s piece of work. Really, we needn’t have even worked on it yesterday. In fact, maybe we don’t even need to get in for 10am, we can definitely just wing it on Tuesday, now how about a nice triple vodka and orange?”
I’ve got a glass in my hand. I think the comforting, friendly, fun voice of hypomania might have won this round. It usually does.